I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
