Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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