fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
