Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
