i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
