Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
