I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
