I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He? As in you personified your dick?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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