This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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