just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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