so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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