How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
