you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
false alarm. still invincible.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
