so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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