If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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