Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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