You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I deserve this hangover.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
