Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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