she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
