But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
