My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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