So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize