Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
