dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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