Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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