You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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