how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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