Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
