My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
