I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
