no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I party with great urgency now.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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