Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
