Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
