dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
