Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
