We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
