i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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