Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
