I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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