My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
