last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
