the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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