Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Less talking, more tequila
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam đ
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
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