i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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