i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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