I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
