I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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