**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
