PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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