Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
