I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
