I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
