The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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