I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
