I accidentally burped into my bong.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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