I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
