i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize