I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
