hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
