and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
