First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
