My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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