I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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