But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
