You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
